if i'm not alone, why do i feel so lonely?

i think i live in a world of pain. physical-emotional pain. maybe its what keeps me going, maybe its what keeps me awake and aware, maybe its just there. maybe.

good news is that i don't have to take ippt anymore. bad news is that its because i've somehow managed to tear both ankles' ligaments. prob a minor tear but bad enough to give me pain. and really i have had no idea why its like that or how long it has been or what caused it, i'll just take it along as i go.

counting back 6 months ago. i guess things are completely different. back then, i was just looking forward to turning 21 and then right after that, i guess things really move along differently. back then i had many more friends or 'friends' then i do now. back then i believed in a lot more things then i do now. back then i guess i was more foolish then i am now. back then was in the past, i'm living in the present now.

maybe its a set (and sad) formula, that you have friends = you are popular + life is blessed. and maybe if you choose to follow your dreams, dreams = -ve friends - populuar - blessed. is it always true? maybe if you add success + dreams = many more friends + more popular + more blessed. well it seems to me its true, not ranting or anything but it only feels so superficial to me.

4 mths ago i embarked on a path that certain pple were not happy nor comfortable with. many have asked, 'whats wrong with you?' or 'its bad' or 'you had better stop' but no, i persevered on. i still stand firm on that. its never wrong to chase your dreams, your ideals but never lose hold on your beliefs. you can compromise on your work, you can compromise on your time, you can compromise on your rewards but never compromise the very essence of your beliefs.

i'm sad at times when i think about these things, to think abt just giving up when it gets tough, but then i realise that if i do, i'm just bowing to 'popular' pressure. i don't have to be like anyone, i am myself and there isn't another me. i want to hold my head high and say, thank God for giving me enough. enough to fulfil the path You've chosen for me. not too much that i may think it comes from me nor too little that i fail to see Your providence. but enough.

i'm not alone, but sometimes it feels that lonely. maybe its the weather, cold/chilly/rainy that reflects my thoughts. maybe i'm just thinking more and looking less. maybe its just me. maybe.