i'm useless.

once (seemingly) long ago, joel used to be a responsible, responsive guy. used to go to the extreme ends to do things for others, take up extra duties and work, do stuff people would shun because it was out of the way/dirty/not something they would do.

now.. on the verge of adulthood, joel realises how things have changed. now he shirks reponsibilities, doing the minimum and walks off. he is unresponsive, sometimes lost in the world of his own. what brought about this change?


yes..thats me talking about me. can't even seem to make good a simple promise of taping a msg that would benefit others, its like not making the extra effort to do it. i could have done so much to prevent all this from happenin and no, not once did i contemplate doing it till after, by then ,as we always know, is too late.

my dad's not really doing better. he just got the doctor's word that the growth which was in his neck is really a tumour and a cancerous one. its like just another blow which he and my family are reeling from. mum was crying, i was dazed. after all the hopes and wishes for a soon return, turn to a feeling of helplessness and despair.

and yes, similarly to helping a friend and helping my dad, i find myself useless.

simple tasks i can't fulfil for a friend, difficult task to fulfil for my dad, that i know i have already failed.

life doesn't seem to hold the meaning to whys, whats, whos, wheres, hows anymore to me. especially when i know i can't.

down and out

my net's been down for like almost a week and well it ain't stable. gee. think i need to get a new modem soon..

anyway updates. dad's op is a success, even though the docs didn't manage to screw the plate into his neck, they managed to stabilise the neck so that he won't ever need to go for another op again. he was moved to a HD (High Dependency) ward on sat and stayed there till monday where he's now at ward 22 bed 8, in a normal ward. so his condition is improving. thank God :) and also thank you for your prayers. on behalf of my family, thank you for the emotional, spiritual, financial, physical support thats been coming from all of you :) may God bless you.

on the other end, i've been so tired..falling sick quite often. in fact, its like the 2nd week, i'm carrying this cough and bad nose. hope i recover soon.

i'm gonna be 21 in a week, and boy, i'm starting to feel really old..well, when i didn't blog i wrote. so maybe i'll leave you all with some part of what i wrote.

"been such a long time, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. dad's been in hospital since the 11th. i haven't been more exhausted in my life. been acting so strong yet feeling so weak, so in want of companionship and yet feeling the need to be all alone, having the fear of losing someone i hold dear but yet never daring to make the move, wanting to trust but always so cynical." @ 220205 1605hrs

sick and sigh

dad's op is tmrw. pray that the surgeon(s) will have steady hands and wisdom to do it right. God will see him through it and well hope he can take it =/

as for me, think i'm sick. got some throat itchiness and quite bad nose.

gonna see the doc again tmrw then.

time alone.

i need some time alone.

i'm numb, hurt and right now, don't know how to feel cuz its happening all over again.

tired. bone-weary. and can't be bothered with how good the show was.


so don't talk me now. i've got too much on mind and i just don't wanna feel or think anymore. not now. not ever.

screwed up medical system

i would tell you its a waste of time reporting sick. unless you're purple in the face and like have a obvious bone sticking out of your leg or like your knees don't connect anymore would they then refer you to somewhere else (see that again means they're helpless too..they'll just say, "we are not equipped to handle it.")

i've got a bad ankle that gives me pain when i walk and what does my mo do? he feels it, presses and ask whether i feel pain from where, where do i feel the pain, then gives me a status i don't need (like what would i need 5 days excused lower limb activities when i've had this pain for 2 weeks?) the polyclinic doc's one better..he doesn't even press to check, he looks, then lifts the ankle and begins interrogating me on my lifestyle (what the hell? i don't think he knows whats wrong with the ankle at all in the first place) then he tells me the saf is better equipped to deal with it and sends me away with a dumb memo, no mc, no timesheet, no medicine. and i would bet, no idea of what is wrong with me.

sure being a doctor's no walk in the park but they like both are like super bo chap, they see, prod then come up with something that doesn't remotely sound like the problem (or don't even tell you the problem), one wonders why one should report sick and come out even more confused.

what the hell..waste my bloody time and now i'm stuck with nothing. )(@&)($&@#

stupid mo's.